10 Questions And Answers About Foster Care

"Our sweet Lily."

I want to continue my lists of ten with some questions a friend recently asked me about foster care. I put together the questions and answers and I hope that they can help/serve you. If you have more questions feel free to comment below.

1. How and why did you start fostering? 
Well one night we got a text from a good friend of ours explaining how there was an orphan in our city that needed a home. So we hadn’t really planned on doing it as much as found ourselves just responding to a need around us. I came across a quote recently that has been very impactful “Availability is rarer than ability” we aren’t anything special, but we have made ourselves available to serve and love others. I love that our Father uses us to be His hands and feet in this world to others.

2. How have you experienced God through your fostering experience? Both good and bad! 
One way we’ve experienced Him is in our need for Him. I remember the second night we had Lily in our house and my wife and I laid all the kids down to bed. We made our way to the couch where we collapsed like cheap folding chairs. Both of us expressed how we felt overwhelmed and in that moment we realized our need to turn to Him even for the simple things. Not just the miracles. With Sammie and Ellie we’ve had a lot of these moments.

We have seen a bunch of people reach out to us and love us. Literally wrapping their arms around us to love us and encourage us in this time. It has been a good reminder that we are the Body of Christ, not just alone trying to do His work.

3. How did you feel when you first met your child? 
This is a tough question for me to answer, because when people adopt, they know they will care for that child for the rest of their lives. With Lily we didn’t know how long we would care for her. So I don’t think I had the typical feelings people will express when they first meet their adopted child. But, as time has gone by the bond has been made strong. Today I don’t look at Lily any different than I do our biological children. But that has only come through time and pushing through difficult times.

4. What was the first night/24 hours like? 
Exciting and overwhelming. Exciting because our lives took a huge turn in an unexpected direction, which is one of the foundations for any adventure story. I would say overwhelming for the same reason. It was new and we had no idea what to expect because we had no experience in fostering an orphan. (Or how to care for someone who’s HIV+.) 

5. How has this affected your children already living at home/ faith/marriage? 
I think the best way it’s impacted my marriage is it has given us a purpose that we both share. We’re in this adventure together, side-by-side and that’s exciting. Of course, it’s tough in regard to more kids equaling more responsibilities, but it just means we need to be more intentional about spending time together.

For our kids it’s been amazing. I want them to grow up knowing the importance of helping others. Showing them that and not just telling them that is powerful. Seeing our kids play together and love each other is such an amazing thing. I hope that my wife and I continue to pass on the legacy of helping orphans to our children.

In regards to our faith, fostering these children has really pushed us in ways our comfortable life wouldn’t have. I need God more than ever, even in the most basic ways, and that is directly because of the work we are doing.

6. What is the best thing? 
Knowing that my wife and I are making a real difference in someone’s life is one of the best things. And that the difference will last longer than our lives.

7. What is the worst? 
The sacrifice of comfort and time is the hardest thing. There is no vacation from parenting or fostering (Maybe I should re-read this.)  Every day my wife and I wake up we need to give ourselves completely to the children we are raising.

8. What advice would you give that you wish was given to you? 
Don’t have expectations of what emotions you ‘should be’ feeling. People who adopt have incredible first encounters with their forever adoptive children, but it’s not always the case when you’re fostering. Emotions and feelings can’t be our guide for what we do and if we’re doing the right thing. If you make someone else’s experience your expectation it can set you up for heartache.

It will get better. The first six months were the hardest for us, knowing that has helped us with our adjustment and expectations with taking in Sammie and Ellie.

9. What were reactions of friends, family, Chinese people? 
Most people were SUPER supportive of us doing this and saw the value in it. Some people were concerned about the HIV aspect of it and if it would be dangerous to the rest of our family. That has all changed since getting our first foster child. To be honest, not many Chinese people know that our foster children are HIV+ and one of the only ones that did stopped working for us. It was tough to feel that rejection, but I can’t imagine the rejection these kids feel and have felt. Even the smallest taste of rejection has been tough.

10. Specific problems you had? 
Night terrors were a difficult part of our first few months. Not knowing how to handle them and just feeling worried for Lily. With Sammie and Ellie we really didn’t have that issue. Speaking a lot of Chinese is draining. With all our foster children we’ve needed to speak primarily in Chinese and that is exhausting. Kids pick up languages quick though, but it takes a little while for them to adjust.

When we took in Ellie and Sammie that put us at six kids and that just makes things tough. And now that Heather’s pregnant that can make it pretty draining. There are times where multiple kids are crying/needing something and that can be difficult.

Are there any questions you have for me about fostering?

much love,
the petersons

10 GREAT Things About Big Families

"This is us before we knew the benefits of a large famiy."

What is good about having a big family? As a family of six, we have some opinions on the matter.  So this list is written as a mixture of what I think, but also what I think my kids would think. I've written more about marriage and parenting if you're interested as well.

10. It gives you tons of stories (and blogging material) -

If we didn’t have a big family we wouldn’t have this story, this one, or these.  And that would be a lot more comfortable, but it wouldn’t necessarily be better.

9. Always a birthday party -

Birthdays are fun! Friends come over, you eat cake and watch kids open presents, who doesn’t love a Birthday party? Satan is the only person I can think of.  Anyways, with a big family you’re always celebrating someone’s day.

8. Learn to share (or die) -

In a big family everyday is a lesson in learning to share. And if you can’t adapt you die.  Plain and simple.

7. Learning patience is an everyday thing -

Another lesson that you are forced to learn with a big family is to have patience. Everyone is always wanting something or needing something. And that makes a big family an excellent school for learning patience.  Sanity, however, is not easily fostered in a big family.

6. Always a friend nearby -

True. My kids will ask to play with friends and can easily be sad if they go too long without seeing/playing with them. However a playmate is never too far away in the form of a sibling.

5. Leftovers always get eaten -

Chances are if you have a big family, someone is going to like whatever it is that’s leftover.  We rarely have to throw food out, if ever, because we have six different sets of taste buds evaluating every option.

4. No TV -

We don’t let our kids watch a ton of TV.  Not because we’re super parents, not by any means.  It’s just easier to do when kids have siblings to play with.

3. Its loud -

The Chinese have a word “Re Nao” which means something along the lines of “lively”.  Our house is definitely “Re Nao”. This can fall into both categories of pro and con for having a big family. For the most part a lot of kids make a house “lively” and fun.  When they are gone the silence can be painfully deafening.

2. No shortage -

Dress-up clothes and toys are never in short supply. Just check out this, this and this and you’ll get an idea of what I mean. Also, there are plenty of hand-me-downs for our younger kids.

1. You don’t have to do it all -

Entertaining and making fun games and memories isn’t all dependent on you. Your kids are also part of the equation.  They spend so much time together playing/entertaining and at the same time making fun memories together.

I love having a big family.  What are your thoughts?  What things do you like about having a big family?

Check out more of our lists if you're wanting more to read.

much love,

the petersons

The Worst Kid's Haircut Story Ever!

The other day Heather was resting on the couch, the boys were playing, I was on the computer and the girls were playing with Heather's hair... or so we thought.  I don't remember exactly what the kids told me, but I knew Ellie was looking guilty.

So I made my way towards her only to spot a chunk of hair missing from the front of her head. Here's where the story takes a twist from the millions of others about kids cutting their hair.

"The face of a criminal."

I couldn't find Ellie's hair that she cut off, so I looked in the garbage.  As I opened the garbage can I noticed Ellie's dark hair and … blonde hair… yep, she also cut Heather’s hair without Heather knowing it.  

"The chunk of Heather's hair that I found in the garbage." 

Heather walked over and was in shock at the turn of events.  Truth be told as I looked into the trash can the first thought that came to my mind was “Blog story!” Needless to say Heather wasn’t feeling quite as excited.

We can laugh about it now, but for days that bald spot in the front of her head was a visual reminder of her crimes.  It’s only now that I can type this with forgiveness in my heart.

What's your worst kid's haircut story?

much love,

the petersons

What Would You Do If You Were Boss

"What would you do if you were boss?"

I would start by saying close your eyes, but then my soothing voice would go away.  So for now keep your eyes open, but in your mind imagine the following situation.

You walk into work tomorrow; and it's just like any other day, expect on this particular day the owner comes to you.  He then announces to you  “We’ve just promoted you to president of our company.  Congratulations!”  Of course, you would be overwhelmed with joy.  But what would you do with your new authority? 

Some of your reading this would maybe fire the previous boss, you know, the one you don’t like too much.  Maybe you would demote the person who hurt your feelings last month.  Or maybe you would transfer another co-worker, the one that always gets on your nerves, to position far far away.

Maybe you wouldn’t use your authority to do anything like that.  Maybe instead you would flex your authoritative muscle to move your office to the best spot in the office.  Or maybe finally get that special parking spot you’ve always wanted.  Maybe you do something small like extend your lunch break.

For most of us we would use our authority to do one of two things; punish our enemies and protecting or expanding our comfort.

But I love when the Gospel of John says “Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything...”  John 13:3

Same position right? Jesus with all the authority, but it continues to say this...

“So he (Jesus) got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin.  Then he began to wash the disciples' feet, drying them with the towel he had around him.”  John 13:4-5

Wait.  Jesus knows His authority and then His first order of business is to bend down, like a slave, and wash the dirty, stinky, grimy feet of his followers… huh?

That’s right, He serves.  He could do anything with his authority.  And He serves.  I want my marriage and parenting to look like this.  That I could take the authority and responsibility given to me and use it to serve.

What things are you learning about God these days?  Join the conversation by commenting below.  Or if you like it, click the "like" button.

much love,

the petersons

Kids Kung Fu Night

"I used this to help win my award."

It’s been many moons since our last dance party.  However, a few nights ago, as we finished watching Kung Fu Panda 2 we had a different kind of party.  A Kung Fu Party!

We all threw pillows, balls, fists and kicks in all directions.  I felt like I was Neo fighting the 100 Mr. Andersons, except in my version two of the Mr. Andersons (Caleb and Sammie) were crying because they didn’t get to use the foam sword (or some other lame reason).  A couple times I would get buried with pillows and then yell “Jesus” and shoot out of the pile sending pillows in every which direction (This, however, is not meant to be a theological point, because I doubt Jesus would give anyone supernatural power to shoot out of a pile of pillows).  I feel like I need to hand out some awards, so the following awards go to these winners.

Awards:

Highest hit percentage (for the contestant that hit the most targets when throwing balls)

Me.  I was on fire, I had to have hit my kids 9 out of 10 throws.

Lowest hit percentage (for the contestant that missed the most targets when throwing balls)

Ellie and she won by a mile.  The only time I remember her hitting anyone was when she hit me in the nose. At least she made her one hit count.  Good work!

Highest dance percentage

Aubrey, it wasn’t a dance party but she danced and fought her way into the record books by dancing for 99% of the time.

Least active contestant

Lily and it wasn’t even close.  Half the time she was at the table eating strawberries.  At one point all the kids were burying me with pillows and I dramatically reached my hand towards her and in a desperate tone I  said “Lily”.  Her reaction?  It was to continue to watch me get buried alive with pillows.  (To her credit she did start rescuing me shortly after that…)

Slasher (to the player who imaginary cut the most stomachs with a fake sword)

Me.  To be honest I was the only one doing this.

It was fun.  But it also reminded me of a post I wanted to write.  About how we can learn things from kid’s movies.  In particular, what I learned from Kung Fu Panda 2 and how it relates to adoption, foster care and abandonment.  I will post it in a couple days.

But for tomorrow I have something special planned... you'll have to come back to check it out.

What fun things do you do with your kids?

much love,

the petersons

What Do You See As Holy?

"One place to find rest, coffee and a book."

I was reading from this book recently, you might know it, and in it God calls the Sabbath a holy day.  You know, the day that God chose to rest and the day that He tells us to rest on; He calls holy.  I can tell you that, honestly, I’ve never really valued rest and I’ve certainly never viewed it as holy.

But here it is, in the Bible, being called holy.

The truth is that I’m influenced by some deep unhealthy need; to do, to produce, to achieve and that’s why I don’t value rest. At the end of the day I believe that I’m only as valuable as what I produce, what I achieve and what I accomplish.

It's not true though.  It takes everything within me and even faith to realize something much more important, I’m valuable and worthy no matter what I do or don’t do. There's more.... I’m not the only one.

This includes you. You are important, valuable, and worthy too.

I want to value rest.  I want to see it as holy.  I want to be comfortable not doing.  I need God’s help even in this; resting.  It’s not that I don’t rest now, I just think I want to be more intentional about when I work and when I rest (and how I rest).  Take care of yourself, of your spouse, of your children, by choosing to rest and do it on a regular basis.

How do you rest?  Do you see your rest as holy?

much love,

the petersons

We Are Grafted In Re-Post - Surrounded

(This post was originally a guest blog post on the website We Are Grafted In.  I wanted to re-post it here for those who didn't get a chance to see it and because I enjoyed how it turned out.  If you know of any blogs looking for a guest blog post let me know.)

Surrounded

As I write this I’m surrounded by kids. Half of them are Chinese orphans that are HIV+. Half of them are a combination of my wife and me; and all of us living in China. How we got to this place goes a little like this. My wife and I moved to China in 2008 with our first two biological kids. We wanted to study Chinese and be a light in whatever way we could. We went home for 6 months in 2010 to have our third child. When we returned to China, our lives took a dramatic turn.

We got a text late one night saying that there was an orphan who was put in isolation because she was HIV+ and had been abandoned. Our friends were writing a mass group of people in our city to see if anyone would donate money for her to live in a foster home or would be willing to take her in. My wife and I quickly made a decision that would impact the rest of our lives.

Within 3 days, Lily moved in with our family.

11 months later, two more HIV+ orphans needed a home. My wife came to me and suggested that we take them in, I suggested she was crazy. Less than a month later, they too were living with our family. That put our family at six kids under six.

And now, I want to share something new that my story is teaching me; it’s this, I’m broken.

Doing things that are bigger than our abilities is good for many reasons, one being, we become innately aware of our own brokenness. It’s in that brokenness that we can turn to God and find Him in new ways. Since our foster care journey began over a year ago, I’ve had many moments where I’ve been angry, moments where I’ve cried in frustration, and moments where I’ve had to take some honest looks in the mirror. Our life of fostering three kids and raising another three has shown me how much more I have to grow. Through it all, I’m reminded of my desperate need for God, for His miracles and for His help to get me through each day.

Maybe as you’re reading this you’re finding yourself nodding in agreement or realizing that you’ve been (or are) in the same place I am. My encouragement to you is this–you’re not alone. Not for one second.

My story right now is also reminding me of old truths. Of how my brokenness and weakness are where He is strong. That my God doesn’t give up on me even when I fail. That God’s love for me isn’t based on me meeting some condition. Of how He said He would never leave me. I’m also reminded of how amazing it is to be a father to six wonderful kids and how I wouldn’t change anything about it.

I don’t know where our story is going, like most things, it’s still incomplete. What I do know is this: I will remain surrounded by my amazing children and by my amazing God.

What are some things your journey has taught you about yourself and God?

much love,
the petersons

How To Make Your Kid’s Day

I was reminded of some advice today and I want to share it with you.  Practicing this advice is one way to make your kid’s day (and maybe a lot more).  Here it is; encourage your children.  Seems obvious right?  Well I also heard that we criticize our kids, on average, 10 times more than we encourage them.  So I guess it’s not that obvious or at least not that easy.

I was reminded of this, because the past few days with our little Sammie have been tough.  He’s been whiney, needy, and clingy (and I mean to an extreme degree) and it feels like he’s reverted back to how he would act when he first joined our family.  It has become a lot easier to notice the negative things and pass over the positive.

Then this morning I had just finished changing Sammie’s diaper.  And the old diaper, the one ready to be banished to the farthest ends of earth, sat there next to him.  I asked Sammie to take it to the door, which he did; in fact, he does it for me whenever I ask.  I was grateful that he had helped me and I made sure to make it a moment where I showered him with encouragement for doing it.  Then a little later, in front of Heather, I encouraged him again for his good deed (I’ve also heard that when you encourage your kids in front of others it multiplies the effect).  I’m certainly not expecting this one encouragement to be all I need to do for the day, but I do know this, it’s a start.

Maybe you can relate to this.  Some of my best memories are of times when a parent, teacher, or authority figure encouraged me.  Who knows?  Maybe you will make more than your kid’s day.  Maybe you will make a lasting memory or give them an experience that shapes them.

How do you find yourself encouraging your kids?  Was there a time when you were young that you specifically remember someone encouraging you?

Do you have a few more minutes?  Check out my post on 10 things that I want to teach my children.

with hope,

the petersons

"Caleb. One of my many kids that I want to try and encourage."

Top 10 Best Kids Movies

I’m writing lists of 10 right now.  My previous one was more serious, 10 things I want to teach my children, but this one isn’t serious at all.  If you’re a parent, there are certain movies you dread having your kids pick out.  Like really dread.  But that’s for another list.  Here are the movies that I lobby, manipulate, and bribe my kids to pick…

10. For my 10 spot I really couldn’t pick one, but I couldn’t leave the list at just 9 either.  So here are a handful of movies that are a cut above the rest, but not by themselves at #10: Meet the Robinsons, Up, Ratatouille, Robots, A Bug's Life, and the Veggie Tales movies.

9. Cars - I haven’t seen the second one, but I loved the first.  If you haven’t seen the short movies starring Mater, don’t, they’re terrible.

8.  Monsters Inc. - Love this one.  It's funny and creative.

7.  Wall-E - I really like this one.  The problem is that my kids really don’t.  So a common plea from me might sound like this “Pleeeeeaaase can we just watch Wall-E?” my children’s response is something like this “nnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooo” (said in a whiney tone).

               

6.  How To Train Your Dragon - Really funny movie and really creative.  It’s a little scary and so my kids don’t always want to watch it.

5.  Despicable Me - This is one of (if not the) funniest movie on this list.

4. The Shrek Movies - I loved 1 and 2, but the 3^rd Shrek wasn’t very good at all.  I thought that the final Shrek movie though was pretty good, but there are some scenes that I have to skip because the kids don’t like them.

3. The Toy Story Movies - I liked all of them, 1, 2 and 3. They are classic movies, with classic lines and really funny.  Even though the 3^rd Toy Story movie was a little bit scarier, I still liked it.  These stories are told so well and I think they are really creative in imagining a toy world with toy problems (like Andy not wanting to play with them anymore, getting sold in a garage sale and the new presents bumping off the old ones.)

2.  Mega Mind - Such a good movie!  I love hero movies, redemptive movies and funny movies; this movie is all three of those.  My favorite line from this movie is when Mega Mind confronts Titan by saying "I can't believe you.  With all your gifts, all your powers and you... you squander them for your own personal gain."  That challenges me, because all of us have gifts, talents and abilities, but do we use them for our gain or to help others?

1.  Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2 - Any night that our kids pick one of these two movies to watch, it’s gonna be a good time.  I love the stories and I love seeing Po grow into being a hero.  It’s funny and the fight scenes are pretty entertaining.  To be honest, I didn’t like 2 that much when it first came out, but the more I’ve seen it, the more I’ve liked it (and it's inspiring a blog post for the future).  I really hope they make a 3^rd one!

That’s it, this is my list.  What's your favorite kid’s movie?

Much love,

the petersons

"I love this guy; he saves China and saves me from watching lame Barbie movies."

10 things I want to teach my children

"Some of the kids I want to teach these things to."

So I want to start putting together some lists.  And for my first list in no particular order here are 10 things I want to teach my children.

To love God. I know that this is cliche, but more than telling my kids this I hope to model it to them.

After God - put family before everything else - including ministry.  All to often people confuse serving God for being everything we do 'outside' of our home.  Not so.  Serving God starts with those He's put in our family and we don't want to ever miss that. 

To be generous with their time, money, possessions and abilities.  If you want to find your life, you need to give it away.  If you live for yourself you will die alone.  True love is others centered, not self-centered.

To be grateful.  Sometimes our biggest struggles simply come from having the wrong perspective.  Being grateful is one way of correcting that perspective.

Your character matters.  Do the right thing, even if it hurts.

That they are loved unconditionally, not because they are good kids or do the right thing.  I need to be careful when I praise my children for doing the right thing.  Not because it's wrong to say "good job" to a job well done.  But because I never want my kids to feel like they are earning my love.  Heather and I love them.  period.

That life is full of doing things that we don’t want to do, but we still need to do them.  I've had this drilled into me from a young age and I'm glad I did.  Now I want to drill it into my kids.

That they can do whatever they set their mind and heart to.  I want my kids to be confident and secure in their abilities and gifts.

To not let fear dictate their decisions  It's difficult to make decisions in life.  Their are many things pulling us in many different ways.  When I've made life decisions based on faith, I've been grateful afterwards.  Don't let fear stop you from doing something great with your life.

The world needs heroes.  Be one.

This is my list, what is one thing (or ten) you want to teach your children?  Or what is your favorite one on this list?  Click on comments at the bottom of this post to join the conversation.

Much love,

Matt, Heather, Sydney, Lily, Aubrey, Ellie, Sammie and little Caleb